Poetry

September 28th, 2025

Jordan Rader
real again

I am trying to remember how to feel real again.

I stopped ignoring my friends when they came to my door, begging me to come out with them for the third night that week. I smiled when I heard them laughing outside my door, impatiently waiting for me to answer.

I am trying to remember how to feel real again.

I started listening to old music and started dancing out loud when I heard those familiar beats.
“We probably look ridiculous!” they shouted at me when we danced past huddles of hushed people.
“We don’t have enough time to care about looking ridiculous,” I giggled back, spinning in circles and waving my arms like crazy.

I am trying to remember how to feel real again.

I started talking to strangers and making new friends. I found myself running down the street with them, screaming every lyric to “Love It If We Made It,” feeling the impact of every one of Mr. Matty Healy’s words.

I am trying to remember how to feel real again.

I started smiling when I walked to classes, hearing people shout my name across campus. I was happy to be recognized and listened when they called out this time.

I am trying to remember how to feel real again.

I started saying yes to things, not because of my typical people-pleasing manners, but for spontaneity. A mere five days before finals, I raced in a Santa costume, with no intentions of knowing anyone. I drove across the country to go to concerts because life is too short to say, “I wish I would have gone.” I stayed up to watch the sunrise, knowing I had class in the morning.

I am remembering how to feel real again because I never want to remember a time when I wasn’t.

Jordan Rader (they/she) is in their final year of college at UW-Superior. They will be graduating with a major in environmental science and a minor in writing. She has worked with The Nemadji Review for the last three years and has loved each second with the organization, watching it grow more every year. They are usually on the road, driving to another random place, and writing about heartbreak, human experiences, and learning how to cope with the ever-changing world. Writing is not a new love, but a familiar one. Their work has also been published in the 12th and 13th editions of The Nemadji Review.